Welcome back to my blog. How is the new year treating you so far? Good, I guess. I hope you spent some amazing time with your loved ones and ate even more amazing food during new year. As for us, we stayed in on the new year’s eve as both of us were feeling under the weather and didn’t want to make it worse. And call us boring, but we do like staying away from overrated new year parties. We cooked at home on new year’s eve and went out for brunch next day to celebrate the first day of this new year from which we have a lot many expectations. And going to brunch at some nice place and dressing up nice has kind of become our new year’s tradition. Isn’t it nice to have your own traditions as a couple which you can someday pass on to your kids? I think it’s great and this blog of mine is also about “marriages”. Mostly about millennial marriages and how we are dealing with the institution of marriage in this world which has changed manifold since our parents got married. I am sure that a couple who is married for twenty five years will have wiser things to tell you than me, who has been married for only five years. But let’s face it, two cents from a person near your age group is wiser than the wisdom of couples who were married in a different time altogether.
On February this year, we will complete five years of our married life. Yes, we married young and figured out marriage on the way. We never planned too much about how we will make things work, but we knew for sure that we want to be together and things will sort themselves out. Did they? Not always. But nothing in life comes with a guarantee right? That doesn’t stop us from living our best lives.
Marriage is sometimes overrated. The more important part is to actually find a partner who understands you and brings out the best in you. So, in this blog I am going to list out five rules we have been following in our marriage to help it grow and sustain. This will include some personal details from our life and all the opinions expressed are entirely ours which you can totally disagree with. I would love to hear your opinions too, so leave a comment if you feel I missed something or you disagree with something. Let’s get started.
1: Drop the big ‘C’
Not comparing our marriage to others is one rule we follow very strictly. It’s important to understand that there is not one rule which applies for everyone when it comes to marriages. Every couple has a different dynamic that works for them. The choices two people make to sustain their marriage is completely exclusive to them. Choose whatever works for you. For us, we chose to get married early as we couldn’t wait to get married and embark on this journey of making a life together. Many storms hit us hard and if not for this marriage and companionship, we would have hit rock bottom for sure. We became pillars for each other in our most darkest days and that only made our marriage stronger.
Bedanga and me are very different people coming from two very different backgrounds, different academic choices, different family values. It was difficult to find that one road which will work for both of us. But we made choices which were sometimes difficult to make. And we never named our choices as “compromises” because we are two grown up adults making their own life decisions without being forced into it. The burden of the word “compromise” is too heavy for a marriage to bear. So, my two cents on marriage is to drop the “C” known as comparisons and compromise.
2: Sort out family
When you get married, you become two individuals who have mutually agreed to take care of each other’s parents. We too did the same. Both of us are extremely emotional beings. From the very start of our marriage we were very invested in the well being of our parents from both sides. Our’s was an intercaste marriage and the stakes were higher to please both the parties. Both of us being the elder kids sometimes puts us under a lot of pressure, naturally and instinctively. But, sometimes these responsibilities can have effects. Our mental health and the health of our marriage started showing signs of wear and tear from being heavily engrossed in issues which we could avoid. In other words, we were blurring out the lines and our priorities. Our marriage is our first priority and our responsibilities come second because if we have an unhealthy marriage, we won’t be able to support and help neither of our families. So, my two cents is to sort out family matters. Sit down and talk about it. Never blur the lines.
3: Not trying to change each other
A few days back a post went viral on the internet where a woman wrote about how “women are not rehabilitation centres for badly raised men” and women all over the world shared the post. Well guess what, men too are not rehabilitation centres for badly raised women. In a marriage, when two very different individuals come together, they tend to mould into each other’s life and change happens unknowingly. But it’s important to remember that a person can never change his/her core values. And aren’t these the very core values you fell in love with in the first place? Marry a partner, not a project you need to improve. Your partner is not your kid who will share the same values as you. And some things will never change, accept that.We still have the nastiest fights over things that we disagree on and I believe we will continue to keep having them.
4: Kid situation
Oh, the elephant in the room which we all can see but few of us address it to be what it is. The biggest life changing decision a couple makes in a marriage is about “having kids”. Should we have them? When to have them? How to have them? and all such questions lurk behind the curtain, ready to pounce on you. I know it’s something that is exclusive to every couple and nobody has the right to tell us when to have kids and when not to have them, but as a couple we need to address the situation. Address it for what it is, because we all know that the biological clock is a real thing.
I saved the best for the last because the last thing you want your marriage to be is “suffocating”. It’s important to give space to the other person to grow as an individual. Marriage is about supporting your partner and not reinforcing what you believe to be right. There is a thin line between supportive and compelling, recognise that line.
We try and support each other in every decision we make as an individual as long as it doesn’t compromise the well being of our marriage. We are each other’s biggest critic and biggest fan at the same time. We never take a decision without consulting the other or thinking about what our individual decision mean for our partner. It’s important that we keep each other on the loop about everything that’s going on. Building and weaving a life around the choices we make. Trying our level best to not ask too much of each other that in the process we lose the very person we fell in love with.
That’s it guys. That’s all I have learnt from being married to one of the most amazing person in this planet. If you ask me, I have hit the jackpot when it comes to getting a supportive husband (*smirks with raised eyebrows).
Our life is not postcard perfect, we deal with a lot of issues every single day of our life. There are no fixed set of rules when it comes to marriages; to each their own. But the only rule that applies is to have the undying desire to spend each moment of your life together. Marriage is not just love, it takes a lot more to sustain it. Although love is the basic tenet of a marriage, it may soon leave the nest if you stop rekindling it. Never take your partner for granted, cherish each other’s company every single moment.
I hope you liked this blog, which is a leaf out of my personal life. Meanwhile I have some interesting blogs coming your way. Going by the tremendous response I got for my winter clothing edit blog, I plan on creating more such blogs for you guys. Thank you for reading this. Until next time.